This was a card at Target.
I laughed for fucking ever.
What’s My Name? series by Shane Hillman
For the Daily Draw February at satellite soda. Just in case you werent sure who some of these guys were, Shane’s renditions of classic characters in geekdom come with their own bright neon displays and are ready to fight. All they need is their own entrance music.
The year was 1992, going into the 5th grade.
Growing up in the 90’s in Brooklyn, NY was a real eye popping experience. Stone washed Jeans, loud colors and oversized shirts were normal things we would see. But in my neck of the woods everybody was big into basketball. In the early 90’s if you wasn’t a Knick fan and you lived in New York, you were an outsider. I can remember during the playoffs any kid with a Bulls Jacket on was subject to a beat down. However there was no mistaken the impact that Jordan sneakers had on the community. Sure other brands were hot Adidas, Reebok & even Fila was making its little run, but if you had on Air Jordan’s, YOU WERE THE MAN!!!
In 1992 the hottest sneaker was the Jordan VII, I mean he did a commercial with BUGS BUNNY, for a 10 year old, it don’t get any bigger then that. Bugs Bunny!! I knew I needed a pair of Air Jordan’s for school.
School shopping was mostly fun for me, my dad would buy me almost anything I wanted to make up for the fact that he wasn’t there for me all the time. Whenever I would see my dad he would always have nice kicks, and a bad ass sweat suit pops was fly. I was never big into sneakers, but for some reason that summer I told my dad “For back to school I want a pair of Air Jordan’s”. My dad just looked at me and said “ill think about it”.
My dad would always come to my house a few days before school started with bags of clothes. This year I didn’t even bother to look at the clothes. The minute he came through the door I rushed him and went right for the Foot Locker bag. I ripped the bag open and tossed the box to the side and pulled out a pair of Air Jordan’s. The smile on my face was huge; I ran my fingers over the white shoe with the silver accents. I looked at the shoe with awe, and I thought to myself this can’t be real. Then I looked at the back of the shoe, and you would have thought somebody hit me in the gut. On the back of the shoe there was a “9” all my hopes and dreams were shattered. I put the shoe back in the box, hugged my dad and walked off. If I knew than what I know now I had heat
When the first day of school started I refused to put the shoes on. My mom yelled at me to “put the damn shoes or she would put the belt on my ass”. I begrudgingly put the shoe and walked to the bus stop. I saw my dude TJ and my boy Saiyd and we gave each other high fives. We all glanced down at each others feet. I had been bragging all summer about my dad getting me a pair of Jordan’s this was so going to bite me in the ass. Saiyd had on a pair of Pumas and my boy TJ had on a pair of LA Gears. So TJ finally said to me “I see you got your Jordan’s” and I was like “yea they cool, I don’t really want them though” Saiyd said “man them things is fresh, if you don’t want them ill take it” I said “you can have them man”. When I got to school I noticed a lot of kids staring at my feet, of course I took this to be a bad thing so I stayed quiet most of the day. Then it was gym time. I changed into my gym shoes and when I came out people were pointing at my shoes and whispering. This kid named Anthony walked up to me and was like “Gerard dope shoes” I said “Yea right” and walked away. Anthony caught up to me and said “no seriously Jordan wore those this summer in the Olympics” immediately my eyes lit up “really” I said. “Yes man Ill show you in my sports illustrated book when we go back to the locker room” After gym was done, I practically ran back into the locker room. Anthony pulled out his Sports Illustrated for kid’s magazine and there was Jordan in all his glory with the same shoes I had on my feet. And on his chest was the number “9”. Anthony told me that in the Olympics he wore number “9” instead of number “23” so that’s why the shoes had that number.
Man after that I was happier then a pig in shit. I wore my Olympic Jordan’s everywhere. I beat them to the ground. And that was my first pair of Jordan’s…..
So with Valentines Day coming upon us fast I’ve decided to put together a special edition of DatBkDude’s Simp- Tips. I’m going to try to make this as universal as possible, but let’s keep it real. All the fellas want for Valentines Day is their balls cupped & maybe some chocolate. I mean we do put in all this work, so why not cup our balls. AND SMILE PLEASE. This time around there is three different categories Silver, Gold & Platinum.
You can mix and match from any package to create your own special Valentine, these are just ideas. Also Dinner is always included; find out a place your girlfriend wants to go and BOOK RESERVATIONS. Valentines Day is going to be crowded. Nothing like your girlfriend being all excited to go to her favorite restaurant & you can’t get in because it’s booked. Not only will you get embarrassed but I can guarantee you will be fapping that night. Me personally I’m not big on flowers for Valentines Day, that’s more been there done that kind of thing. It shows no thought and it’s extremely cliché. However if you know your girl loves a certain flower. One long stem flower will do.
Platinum Package – This package is for the people where money is no object. Who truly want to spoil their women, and have no problem shelling out the big bucks to do it.
• Spa Day (400.00 & up) – This isn’t your average massage and Mani/ Pedi. This is a full day at the spa 6 hours. Most times you drop them off sometime before noon, they have fruit & Wine then the services begins. I suggest an hour long massage, facial, Manicure & Pedicure & if your woman likes it a Brazilian wax. You can get a lot of these things A-La Carte but they usually have package deals. Most spas 6 hours and over usually include lunch. When your girl comes out of the spa she will feel rejuvenated, relaxed and renewed. Use www.Spafinder.com
• New iPod (200.00 & up) – If your girlfriend has been talking about a new iPod now is your chance to get it. If you order it in time from apple you can even get it engraved. Now here is where “romance” comes in. Don’t just give her the iPod and say here. Load it with songs. Make playlists, find songs that remind you of her. Songs that you know she loves. And bonus points, if you get her an iPod touch put some movies on that thing for her, or her favorite TV show. Also a good companion gift is a nice iPod dock. Nothing says “I thought about you” more then the one two punch of a new iPod & Dock.
• Weekend Getaway (300 & up) – Depending upon where you live a weekend getaway is a wonderful experience. Nothing like getting away for the weekend leaving the stresses behind. If you’re in an area where there are ski resorts those are perfect for weekend getaways. The beautiful landscape views, plus the adrenaline from skiing or tubing will make for a nice mixture. When you call ahead to make reservations see if the resort can put some Champaign or some wine in the room. Also some chocolates, women love chocolates
Gold Package – This package is for the dude, who wants to spoil his woman but doesn’t have unlimited funds. You can still do stuff from the platinum package just scaled down some.
• Spa Package ($200.00 & Up) – Something like the platinum package but not a whole day. You can customize your package a la carte. My suggestion would be a 30 minute massage, Manicure & Pedicure. Those are the basics that should be in any spa package. Depending on how deep your pockets are you can add a few more things.
• E-Reader ($75.00 & Up) – Most women love to read, and Kindles make great gifts. But not just the kindle, you have to either load it with books. DO NOT BUY A GIFT CARD. If you know your women you know what kind of books she likes. Also they have tons of cases for the kindles. Some really nice simple ones, to some fun ones. Once again sit down and try to think about what your girl friend likes. You can purchase a kindle at www.Amazon.com
• Lessons of some sort ($100.00 & Up) – Lessons are a good way to spend time with your partner. They have lessons that range from all kinds of things from, photography, to cooking, to massages and even sex. You can either do this as a couple, or you can just get the lessons for your mate. Either way they will learn something new, and appreciate you for it.
Silver Package – This package is for those who aren’t working, or maybe they don’t have the money to go out and spend on Valentines Day. Its all good I’ve come up with solutions for you too.
• Mixed CD – Similar to getting them an iPod and loading it up with songs, you make a playlist I’m iTunes or wherever and burn it to a cd. Take the time to make the cover nice, and even a small explanation of why you picked each song. If you really want to make it nice, have an interlude before each song explaining why you chose the song.
• Photo Book or relationship scrapbook – This is a great way to show somebody you care about them. Find photos that you like of the person, or of things that remind you about that person and make it into a scrap book. Find newspaper clippings from the day you asked the person out. Look online and find out what was the number one song on the day of your first kiss. Little things like that
• Framed Poem or Letter – This is also a nice gift to give somebody. I realize not everybody can do poetry but I’m sure everybody can write a letter. Write a letter or a poem, expressing how you feel about the person and put it in a nice frame. Maybe find some roses and put a single flower in the frame and jazz it up some.
These are just a few suggestions rather then Roses or the standard bullshit you’re always getting for Valentines Day. Thanks for taking the time our to read my post.
^^ Want that to be you? Then Follow my Guide to Simping and you too could be laying in bed with a natural haired negro woman….
According to Urban Dictionary the definition of “Simping” is Tricking, groveling, or basically just letting females walk all over you for no apparent reason other than your own bitch-made-ness. While in some respects this good be true, in my opinion its totally false.
We all know im the biggest “simp” on the interwebs. My simping knows no boundaries. I have decided to write this handy guide to simping. This is for both the ladies and the gentlemen. If you follow these guidelines you might be able to pull that 8 or 9 you have been looking at.
1) Flowers – Most women like flowers, and believe it or not some men do. Not only do flowers look good, SOME are relatively cheap. Roses are always a sure bet, but get creative, if you know his or her favorite color you incorporate that somehow. Bonus points for sending it to his/her job. Nothing boost the ego like hearing another co-worker saying “I wish my man/woman did that for me”
2) Edible Arrangements/Fruit Basket/Chocolate – This might work better for the fellas then flowers. Most men enjoy these things. You can find them online for relatively cheap. Same rules apply for bonus points.
3) Personalized CD or Playlist – We all have a favorite song, artist or band correct?? Find out what your mates is and make a playlist. Songs that might remind you of you and him, Songs that have meaning. Bonus points if you can record your own voice as an intro or skit. Double bonus points by putting it in the car or on the iPod without that person knowing. And leave a note or send a text message that says “play me”
4) T-Shirt/Pillow with your scent on it – This one is mostly for the fellas. We all know your girl has the one cologne that you wear that she drops her panties for. Go to any store and buy an oversized T-shirt or one of your old CLEAN wear the T-shirt around the house for a few hours and spray it with your cologne. Put a few more sprays then you normally would. Then fold it and put it in a gift bag for your lady. Not only will she have a shirt with your scent on it. She can wear it to bed so you have killed 2 birds with one stone. Bonus points if you include a teddy bear with your scent. Ladies you can do it too. I suggest a small pillow with your perfume on it.
5) Home Cooked meal / Night in – This is for both. It’s not always about Mr. Chows, Benihanas & Applebees. Cook a meal for your mate. Call his momma and get that recipe from her. if your not cool with the mama then you minuswell stop reading there’s no hope for you. Especially if she’s black. Seriously though if you know your mate likes lasagna then you find a recipe and you cook it. And if you cant cook then you can always get take out. Find a great movie to watch (will be posting some in another post). And have a date night in. Champaign is always a good idea to set the mood. Some nice low music, and if you do everything right you shouldn’t even finish the movie. I know I never do 8o
Details are scarce right now. But we will be cruising in June of 2013. I can’t even book anything until May of this year. So once I know the details. You will as well. I’m going to try to make it super affordable and you will have plenty of time to pay it off. So if your interested sign up for the newsletter.
So thanks to Laura I decided to start writing again..I’m going to do these articles every once in a blue..ill try not to bore you guys..Read it or Don’t lol.
Disclaimer: Anything I say here is based on my opinion.
Social media is the next step in this digital revolution.
• FaceBook has more then 800 million users
• Twitter has over 360 million users
Businesses use FaceBook & Twitter as a form of free advertising. Hell even Barack Obama has a twitter profile. With that being said it’s safe to assume that if you’re in a relationship at some point in time you have both been on a social network together. Hell you might have even met on one (That’s where I met mine).
In my past relationship I had a hard time with social networks. My ex was an extremely jealous individual who would scour my Myspace page looking for drama. “Who is that girl that posted on your wall” “why are you in are so & so’s top 5 friends. It got to the point where I had to delete my Myspace page just to avoid the drama. Fast forward 6 years later, I have both a Facebook & Twitter my girlfriend is connected to both and I’m drama free (except that one time, but that’s another blog). I’ve learned there are a few rules that help me out
1. TRUST. If you don’t have this you might as well break up with the person now. Social networks were created to be social. There is no need to ask “who is that person tweeting you??” or “who posted that on your wall??” Trust in your partner to make the right choice, if something inappropriate is said or done.
2. Have Fun. Like I said previously social networks are meant to socialize. I’ve met a ton of folks via twitter who are cool as hell. We kick it in person and its nothing but fun. There are times when I’m having an off day, & Twitter has brought the Lulz.
3. Avoid Drama. Sometimes this is easier said then done. If somebody leaves something inappropriate on your wall delete the post. But also send that person a message letting them know it wasn’t cool and you don’t appreciate it. Also if you know your ex is crazy as hell, you should try to avoid them on social networks at all cost. You can make your page private, or block them. That’s what I did
4. Communication. You have to learn that a closed mouth doesn’t get fed! If something is bothering you speak on it. Tell your partner “hey im not quite comfortable with that” and leave it up to your partner to speak to the person.
Every relationship is different and jealousy is a natural human emotion. Sometimes you have to learn to laugh, and shrug it off. Most times people say shit because they are jealous and are trying to get to where you are. Some people are just trolls who always have to say something. Use your discretion and it can work.